Dec 31, 2015

That Year-end Post: BELEaN 2015

Every year always feel rough to me. With Mark's work (because there's no separation of work and personal or wharever you call that kind of life in this family), there's always the different rough brought by each year. Sometimes it's a failing business, "role" problem, and any thing in between. Life has always been a roller coaster for which is mostly dips.

I thought I went through it all kind of roughness that I felt nothing can break me any more.

Of course, as the saying goes, it does not get easier, you only get tougher or, in my case, things get tougher.

But this post is not about rough and tough. I forced myself to do this 2015 post so that I won't wallow much on the "rough" side.

First for having a mother who has been such a trooper. She definitely has the roughest edge but I know she's doing her best to make it easy for everyone except for her "OC-ness" with diapers. Though she won't say it, I know that she refused treatment because she does not want to bother us any more.  I'm probably more whining than her.

Second for having a wonderful support system. Buyag buyag! If there's one thing that we are most blessed about is for having wonderful Ate's. Everyone just restrategize on their own to help me thru it. And along the way, someone just wonderful would arrive to help us. Super buyag! I cannot thank God and the universe enough for the wonderful individual they send to us.

Third for the family. I mean my uncles and aunts. Being an only child, I really do not understand the role of siblings. So I was a having a hard time reaching out to them. I mean, are they supposed to be bothered? Anyhow, I'm thankful that they reach out to us. Also, I'm happy to learn "family." I realized that I have been distant from them for some time.

Fourth, my children. They're far from perfect but they're also been a trooper. 

And of course, the husband. Well, I just have to mention him as being the sole reader of this post. But yes, he's currently a single father on top of having to be my shock-absorber, and all other things. So in a way, i'm also thankful to his workmates for somehow putting up with his unusual working habits lately.

So the "Belen" drawing is made by Meg, and is probably the sole Christmas decor I put up. And I placed it in Nanay's room.

I want to nag Meg for missing out the 3 Kings on the drawing. But I just think of it that maybe they're missing in the picture because they're here with us to help us out.

There are other wonderful things that come with 2015 like re-learning what matters and not.

But for this post, before 2015 ends, I want to make a special
Mention of my gratefulness for being surrounded with sincere wonderful people. I hope we can also be that kind of blessing to them and others. 

Dec 17, 2015

Thoughts before ejaculating

It's been only 4 months since my nanay was diagnosed with terminal cancer. But it feels like we've been in it forever. Though Mark would say that we're still very lucky because at least it's not WWII or we're Syrians. 

Being the pessimist (please let me indulge in it because i really do try hard to be sunshiny most of the time, and i want to rest that part of me even just for this), i cannot help but think what's worth of the life when it will end like this? I think there's no easy way of dying (maybe tragic sudden death?). Wether it's cancer or age-ing or other terminal sickness. 

Being a mother, it kind of scares me to think that one day my kids will somehow go thru this. There's just no way I can remove them from it. Maybe let them not be alien to pains and hardships so as to prepare them, but that is hard since we're genetically wired to avoid them, and so is our instinct to protect our children.

If the cost and responsibility of raising a child does not scare you, here are Some other thoughts to consider before we romantically propagate:

1. Life is beautiful. But Every thing in this life, including the end of it, is hardwork. Therefore Beautiful is hardwork. Think of that, that is what a child will deal with when you bring one to the world.  

2. Uncertainty is okay. Pain/discomfort is okay. Each can toughen us up. Positive + positive is supposed to be positive but i'm not sure with the case of uncertainty + pain together.

Before you bear a child as a "requirement" of being a complete family / to complete you (seriously,
Please don't put the burden of "completing" you or your feel-good happiness on a child), think of that uncertainty + pain waiting for them.

3. How do we live life to make the painful end worth it? But looking at my mother, there's probably nothing to worry about.

I feel that after the hullabaloo of life, we just want to exit swiftly. Wether we leave a legacy or none, we just probably want to move on without much raucous. My point is just do it or don't do it as It somehow will no longer matter when you're in deathbed... in pain and uncertain. When whatever fullfilment or regrets will not numb or end the uncertainty of being in pain.

But as they quotable quote goes "suffering is optional." That I still need to find out how to.

On the other thought, life goes on. (Insert whatever quotable quote to end this.)

Dec 6, 2015

Giving Birth

Being a "mother," I gave birth three times, and witness the life of little humans grow from helpless little children from my arms until they can go walk on their own independently.

Being a daughter, looking at my mother from being an independent individual to now needing to be "carried" around to move, it feels like I'm about to give birth to my mother... into what they call "eternal life." 

I don't know if I can already consider myself a witness to the "full circle of life."

(Some old photo from my twitpic. Mati asking Nanay to play wii with him.)

Dec 3, 2015

Windows of Opportunity

After days of our discharge date being moved, 2 more sleeps and we'll have yet another weeksary of "staycation." Not that I am complaining.

So it's also been almost a week of staring at this view from the hospital room window to ease my mind, to break the monotony, to change "channels." 
A few men are working in the open area every day. Sometimes they "toil" the land, sometimes they "burn." Cheesy but the scene gives me a hope of better days to come -- my window of opportunity.

I remember this place used to have a "house" which housed "Chicken Inato" resto before Cebu became big city now. I'd been there a few times with relatives and friends. So that was the past -- a happy one for me.

It's present situation is emptiness / dismal state or i can look at it as better opportunities to come. 

What probably awaits for this in the future?